This headline might seem like click bait, but I’m actually serious.
In the YouTube-verse, there’s a show on First We Feast’s channel called “Hot Ones,” and it’s incredible, both in the idea and how it’s run. The routine of the show is to bring on a celebrity and ask them normal questions, like any other normal interview (aside from Jimmy Fallon because he doesn’t interview, he just laughs and praises his guests. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jimmy, but I don’t watch it for the “interviews.”)
The catch of this show is the interviewer, some bald guy who must not have the ability to feel pain, gets to ask these celebrities anything he wants. Between questions, both parties eat a hot wing with a hotter type of hot sauce each time. If the interviewee makes it through all ten hot wings, with the hottest being in the 300,000s on the Scoville hotness scale, which I didn’t know existed, then the celeb gets to plug their own show or album or whatever they’re promoting.
If not, the host shames the celeb, who can’t pitch their upcoming event and must live with the realization they got owned on a YouTube video, along with the realization they will never be able to taste anything the same again.
Although Oklahoma State athletics would never agree to this, which is smart on their part, it is such a great idea because once your mouth starts getting hot, you’ll keep talking and talking to keep your mind off the fiery inferno. To me, here are a select few who could make it through this challenge without a cinch.
5. Jim Littell, coach, OSU women’s basketball
Having covered Littell and the Cowgirls for the past two years, I think I know Littell’s limits. Watching a game, you see him go through all the stages of emotion, except for happiness and sadness, which leaves two other stages: anger or no emotion.
Having him on the show would be a treat because seeing him fight the urge to give in and take a drink of milk, which is way better to drink with hot wings than water, would be pure gold. Also, few people on this planet know too much about Littell but deep down under that rough exterior, he’s a big softie. He reminds me a lot of Ron Swanson, which would be a great idea for a Mis-history.
Verdict: Littell will get close to quitting a couple of times, but he will fight through the pain. The 357 Mad Dog hot sauce might make him envision an angry Kim Mulkey, but Littell makes it through. By the way, if you’re reading this coach, it’s all in good fun, and remember, you’re one of five people who passed the test.
4. Colin Carmichael, coach, OSU soccer
I’ve met Carmichael on occasion and he strikes me as a man who can handle his hot wings. You might be thinking, as a Scotsman, shouldn’t he be used to eating haggis or something? In some occasions, that might be right. But Carmichael moved to Houston when he was 10, so I bet he’s had some training in either some hot wings or some good, spicy brisket.
Also, one time last year, I was in Spears for some reason and there was an issue of “State” magazine there, and in it, the OSU coaches named their favorite restaurants in Stillwater. Most had the typical Freddie Paul’s or Joe’s. Mike Gundy’s was Louie’s. Sadly Shortcakes was not on the list, but one that stuck out was Carmichael’s. He listed the Golden Dragon, which shows that Carmichael loves his spicy Chinese food. If he can handle any of those spices at Golden Dragon, then hot wings would be child’s play.
Verdict: Carmichael gets in a lull halfway when eating Da Bomb (at 115,00 on the Scoville scale) but gets in a shouting match with the sauce. Like one of his trademark rants, which is one of the best parts of a Cowgirl soccer game, Carmichael will eventually win and the sauce will subside. Fueled by his victory, Carmichael breezes through the competition.
3. Ramon Richards, coach, OSU football
The only athlete to make this list, Richards is one of our favorites here at the O’Zone. He is an enigma, his tweets are mind-bottling, he has a cartoon of himself and he is in literally every OSU football video since his arrival on campus in 2014.
Also, Richards is a genius, so he probably has figured out a scientific formula to eat the wings in a way so they don’t cause pain, and if they do, it’s very minimal. I can see it now; Richards takes a wing and pulls a sample of the sauce off with a syringe and then puts it on some device he built. Afterward it prints off the chemical makeup of the sauce and Richards eats it with a nice Cabernet Sauvignon to savor the flavor.
Verdict: Richards turns the interview on its head as the wings don’t affect him and his nonchalance with pain freaks the interviewer out. The interviewer feels pressured and starts telling Richards all his problems. Richards, using a psychology degree he attained at the age of 9, helps the interviewer out and starts a cultural phenomenon. In the end, Richards becomes the next Dr. Phil, but a lot cooler.
2. John Smith, coach, OSU wrestling
The guy is a two-time Olympic gold medalist. I don’t think hot wings would have any effect on him. He might literally ask for more hot wings after. There needs no explanation for this. The verdict is Smith will eat the wings in probably the first minute, giving the interviewer no time to ask anything else. Afterward, Smith will go run off in the distance and climb a mountain, just like any other morning.
I mean, seriously, if the guy can do this, what can he not do?
Verdict: Smith uses the hot sauce itself to fuel wrestlers to a team title that has eluded OSU since 2006. By eating the hot wings before each dual, the wrestlers will be fighting to get off the mat and will do anything to do so.
1. Glenn Spencer, defensive coordinator, OSU football
It had to be Coach Spencer. When I thought of this list, he was literally the guy I thought of. Can anything hurt Spencer? I don’t know. I’ve put every scenario in my mind. Spencer could fight a bear and win. He could fight Thanos and win without the rest of the Avengers. He could probably even wrangle the sun into his will. Hot wings are so trivial, that Spencer would probably make them himself.
Spencer would rassle up some chickens, pluck them and then roast them on the sun before he got some cobra venom and drenched the wings in them. Mega Death, the hottest sauce on the show, which is at a 550,000 on the Scoville scale, would be what Spencer drank to wash all of it down with.
Verdict: Spencer is never allowed on the show again after the interviewer is hospitalized from eating the venom-caked chicken. Spencer goes on to become a famous chef alongside greats like Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsay. Soon, his chef life takes too much time from his coaching life, and he’s forced to make a decision. Spencer begins to cook on the sidelines and OSU’s defense goes from good to great.